This was one of the best birthdays I've had in a while. I felt very loved, which I needed to be reminded of (it's so easy for the Enemy to make me forget and believe I'm invisible or easily forgotten). I felt the love from nearly all corners of my life.

First: Birthday workout! It felt good to spend the morning working out to Turbo Jam! Then, Birthday Breakfast with Sarah! (Pics below)

Sarah made hasbrowns and most of the pancakes and I made the eggs. It was delicious and just what I wanted :)

I then went to see the movie "The Kids Are Alright" starring Annette Benning and Julianne Moore, along with the dreamy Mark Ruffalo. I overall really enjoyed this movie but there are some pretty strong R-rated stuff (if you get my drift) which sometimes felt unnecessary to this story. I liked the characters and their struggles felt very real to me. It was as if they were people I could know and I always appreciate that in a movie. It's relatable even though it's about lesbians and I, in fact, don't know any lesbians. Yet I felt like I could know these two.  The theater was super cute and only $5 which is just awesome.

I then made my journey towards the Ocean. That's right, I went to the beach (finally!). I think the highlighted word in that last sentence is journey. It took me 2 hours to finally stop, park, and sit on the sand. I was stuck in LA traffic on PCH for most of that time, but I finally decided to just pay for parking and stop at the nearest stop place. While I was only there for 2 hours, it was well worth it. 

The evening of the 26th of August ended with Free Yogurtland with my roomies! While I'm pretty sure yogurtland isn't my favorite yogurt place anymore (gasp!) I can't pass the FREE yogurt when it comes my way! I want to say "Thank You!" to everyone who made me feel special on my birthday.

I'll post more pictures from my whirlwind weekend of birthday celebrations later :)

random thoughts put into one entry!

It's been a little over a month since I moved and time has flown by. Its funny how I keep telling myself, "Life will be slower next month" then that month flies by and my schedule is booked. I've come to appreciate being in control of my schedule again, so there's no complaint there. It seems I've busied myself with a lot of hangout/catch up time with some new and old friends which is very life-giving for me because I've learned that I need people in my life. Don't get me wrong, this isn't some new realization or anything, but it's something I can forget. You see, I'm very a very independent person but only because I've always had to be. I had to take care of things in my family when others couldn't, or make sure things got taken care of (at school and home) or else I'd be stuck. All that to say, I've always been on my own so it comes pretty naturally for me to assume I'll have to do things on my own and assume that no one will be able to join me so it's good to remember that I do have friends who love me.

Yesterday, after I began writing this update, I went home and had dinner with Liz and then I began to get ready to see my high school friend who is leaving for Mexico to join the Peace Corp in a week or two. We were meeting in a bar in Santa Monica (which I looked up on Yelp to see what the style of the bar was) at 9pm so I had some time to get ready and try to look "cute". I did my hair, tried a new outfit of random things I put together, did my make-up (the whole deal). I also brought my iPod which has been kept up in my room since the move and I figured it needed to get out of the room and help me dance as I drove to the bar.

I finally got ready and got in my car. I specifically remember thinking that I should pick a song now and then get on the road rather than as I was driving so I picked a song. As I was getting ready to turn onto the 10W Fwy, I waited in the turning lane under the underpass and decided that I wanted to change my song choice. So I looked down and began clicking through some of my songs (old school iPod). I then thought, "They have already started moving because the light turned green so I should push the gas and catch up"...3...2...1..BANG!

They hadn't moved at all.

I totally hit the car ahead of me and immediately push the brakes and my hand rushed to cover my head. I was in shock. What the hell had I just done??

The guy in the car ahead of me got out and I asked him if he was ok. He said yes and decided we should pull over as to not be in traffic. We exchanged information and as of 4:08pm today I haven't heard from him but I'm assuming this is really gonna cost me. My car was basically undamaged (some bumps here and a scratch) but his bumper was dented and some definite scratching. I've heard bumpers usually are in the $400-$800 range so I'm praying for something on the cheaper end of things.

I'm praying that this all gets taken care of and I can move forward soon. This doesn't help when I'm beginning to stress out about money and needing to save but always running into new ways my money seems to be spent. For the past 2 years since I've worked in LA I haven't lived paycheck to paycheck and I'm finding that happening more now. Granted I have a lot more bills now so that takes a big chunk out of my pocket right there...

All this to say, life has moved quickly. I've seen people and gotten more opportunities to meet and catch up with others than I had in the internship but I have also experienced some financial stress in my life that feels heavy and frustrating. August has just begun and I'm hopeful that it will end on a more positive (at least financially) note than July did. I covet your prayers for support from our wonderful Father who provides all we need. I pray for guidance as to how to save well and spend wisely as well as staying focused while driving.

Peace,
Erika

HOME

When does a new place begin to feel like home? At the moment it feels like it will take a long time to really sink into the reality that Kenwood is my home. I've told several friends that it feels like I'm at Summer Camp and at the end of the summer I'll be moving back to La Salle with my other (ex) roommates. But that isn't true. That's not going to happen. And I don't know how I feel about that yet. Hardships grow bonds between people and sometimes it's difficult to break those bonds in transition time and through change. 

My spiritual life is in a vulnerable state right now and I can feel it. Doubts come to mind  much faster and fear creeps into my heart easier these days. I find myself constantly asking if I made the right choice, asking God why He promised me good things here (and what exactly ARE those good things going to be), as well as what this means for the next year of my life to remain here. Am I really making roots to remain in LA or just mixing up the soil, allowing air into the ground in preparation for seeds to be planted later? [side note: I'm not always the best at analogies so I hope that made sense].  What I am trying to say is that I am in lots of transition and thinking about the future and easily overwhelmed right now. I do have this specific ministry desire in my heart but I need God to confirm and I need some healing (and patience it seems) before I can pursue any ministry in any certain location. I don't feel "called" or led to stay in Los Angeles but for the next 11 1/2 months this will be what I call home. After that....we'll have to wait and see.

Taking down the last 2 years of life

It's really crazy to me that in just two days I will be living in a completely different place. I think packing has been a surreal experience because I've thought of it as a "to-do" list rather than the transition of things to come. I've thought, "Man, I want to be really prepared and ready for when everyone moves on Saturday" rather than "Oh man, I'm not going to be living here and I'm slowing taking apart the last two years of my life".

It's pretty late and I've spent the better part of every night this week packing, going to the Goodwill to make donations, throwing junk away, and making box after box after box. I'm very tired and almost to the point of exhaustion. Thankfully, I have a God that loves me and allowed me to take both Friday and Monday off work to move and hopefully rest on Monday. All that to say, I just have some prayer requests for those who feel inclined to pray for me:

1) Strength and endurance as I enter the last stretch of what has felt like the longest and most full two months of my life! Ending SP, friends moving, good-bye dinners birthdays, concerts, family stuff....it has all been very fun and needed but tiring all the same.

2) Grace for my new roommates as we learn how to become a new "household". We've all spent these two years learning how to love the roommates we were given and now that's over and we have to decide if/ learn how to put that same intentionality into these new house dynamics and relationships.

3) Help moving! I'm hoping to get a good portion done throughout the day tomorrow but it's just me tomorrow so that might be more challenging that I'm planning ;) We'll see what happens.

4) I'm praying that we are all moved in on Saturday and that we'll be able to clean up La Salle and leave on Sunday..forever. I would feel so blessed if I had Monday to just rest, pray, and prepare for a new season in my life at my new house!

Lastly, I want to apologize to any friends who feel disconnected or ignored. I promise that I love you and that you are important to me, but physically and (mostly) emotionally I'm very weak, vulnerable and needing much rest. I'm not really able to engage with much as I take in the intense processing of leaving SP, moving, and thinking about the direction of life. I'm sorry that I haven't been the best friend. I hope you can forgive me and that we can talk and catch up in July. All I need is some sleep, prayer, and peace and I'll be good as new.

This is one of our last group pictures as La Salle @ Disneyland

Here's to another adventure and a new season of change, growth, healing, and redemption in our lives. This is my hope for myself along with all who read this and are in need to these things. God is so good to us. 

"The End" of many things

It's an odd and sometimes unnerving feeling when things end in my life. Change is not always a welcome friend and yet it can sometimes feel like my constant companion. The internship that I have been a part of for two years (Servant Partners) is ending in less than a week (actually 4 days, but who's counting?). It seems surreal to even think of life outside the internship. I should mention that this is usually my sentiment when big changes occur in my life. I believe I said the same thing when I was moving away from home, when I moved out of the dorms, and when I graduated from Fullerton and prepared to begin the internship. But does that make the feeling any less legitimate? This internship and these classmates that I have put in my blood, sweat, and seemingly unending tears to for the last two years is going to end on Saturday June 5th at 4pm. And then it's over. Like I said, unnerving.

I also feel like the end of LOST is somewhat unnerving (on a much lesser scale mind you) since I've spent the last 6 seasons watching these characters lives change and watching the character arcs written, to have it all end with a smashing 2 1/2 hour finale. Some might laugh at my emotional connection to the show LOST and others might laugh at the fact that I'm comparing a TV show to the community that I've been a apart of for two years..and for all those people I say that I'm glad that I could amuse you :) But for those who are still reading, let me explain. When LOST first began I honestly didn't understand the hype. I actually missed the entire first season when it aired on ABC. But then some friends of mine began watching it on DVD the summer it was released and from that moment on, we were hooked. We sometimes stayed up until 1 or 2 in the morning watching episode after episode because we couldn't wait to see what was going to happen next. I remember watching the show together as a large group and talking about it for hours after the episode to discuss theories on what it all meant or could mean in future episodes. I felt like I was part of something really special because I was in a group of people/community that got together each week to watch the show about a group of people/community living together and learning how to survive.

When I moved to LA, that group meant so much more to me than it did at the time because now I wouldn't be able to walk 30 feet to the guys place to watch LOST together. That group was ending and so was my time in Fullerton. I might not have been the biggest fan of the show then, but once I left, it became my connection to my Fullerton community. I watched (and became even more enthralled with) the show as I watched it alone in LA because I was thinking about my friends watching it back in Fullerton. I missed watching it with people that I love and enjoying the show together. It didn't hurt that the show was amazing and the characters they created were so human and lovable...but that's for another post. . .

Now two years have passed and many amazing episodes have aired. My relationships to those friends from college have changed and some have adapted to the new challenges and demands that make getting together more difficult and those friendships have survived (PTL!). I had also found a new community in my co-workers and new friends (Candice!) to watch and discuss the episodes with. LOST lovers aside, I have also experienced, struggled, and grown with my Servant Partners internship class over the past two years. Has it been the hardest two years I can remember? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes! Call me crazy but this internship has formed me and changed my life for the better. I'm not entirely sure where my relationship with God is at the moment, but I know that He loves me and I learned that through experiencing a dark season with my teammates and housemates right by my side. Were my teammates perfect? No. Did they try to love me and one another? Definitely. I can see that now....

But now the series finale has aired and LOST is over. On Saturday at 4pm Servant Partners will be over. The friendships that I've invested in will change, roommates will change, and my rhythm of life will once again change. Unnerving.

The link between these two (seemingly disconnected things in my life) is the word Community. I've learned a lot about community and what good (and bad) community looks like through Servant Partners and I've learned that TV can provide both a visual/fictional community with the characters but also a community of fellow LOST lovers to watch and discuss the show with. Personally, community is the best part of loving/watching TV for me. I love talking about the shows with people..but that's my personal opinion about why I support TV watching.... and again another blog post topic!

I always appreciate prayer, especially as I transition out of Servant Partners and into a new stage in life. In this next year I hope to see healing and growth in my relationships with friends and in my family. I hope to watch some great new TV shows. But mostly, I hope for strength to continue my pursuit of God and to continue learning about what He has to say about change in my life. I hope to learn how to let go, move on, and hold things in this life close to my heart and loosely at the same time. I expect great and glorious things from my God and I expect it will be in the most unexpected of places. In the changes that occur...

Change, my constant companion and worst enemy. I know you usually bring good things to my life and I grow in my understanding of myself and my God through you...but man, you hurt sometimes..

Bus Stop Craziness

I have been taking the bus home from work for the past year and a half. Sometimes I love it because I don't have to pay for parking at USC (pricey!) and I'm commuting in ways a lot of my neighborhood commutes. Other times though, I have to admit that I hate riding the bus. I don't always like being squished into the bus like sardines and then pushed back and forth at the whim of the stop-and-go driver's pedal. Today, however, I have a very different reason why I 1)LOVE and 2) hate the bus. 


It was just like any other Wednesday after work. I was walking up to the bus stop, listening to "Burning Up" from the Glee Madonna soundtrack. I saw a couple others already waiting at the stop and figured a bus would be by shortly (at least I had hoped it would). I placed my bag next to me and sat down waiting for the bus to pull up any minute. The lady sitting on the bench next to me mentioned the fact that I had just missed a bus and I replied "Such is life. Another one will be by shortly". She smiled and we continued waiting. I normally just use my iPhone to listen to music on the way home and always have it in my pocket or bag, but today I decided that I wanted to take a picture because it was so pretty outside. I just got this cool photo-app that lets me choose the film, exposure, and lighting to take a picture so I thought it'd be a cool experiment. Let me pause here and just say that I normally keep my iPhone "under-wraps" in this area because I've heard horror stories of them being stolen even as someone was on a call (Mr. Barlow). But I digress...


I had just taken this cool shot of the sidewalk and street sign that I thought looked pretty cool when I decided that I should listen to some music and get ready for a bus because it would have to be coming soon (it felt like it'd been so long already). I was holding out my iPhone to pick a song when I literally saw a hand come out of nowhere and grab my phone right out of my hands. My earphones popped out of my ears and in a second it was gone. Some kid on a bike stole my iPhone. All I could do was scream "Noooo!!!" All my nightmares had become reality. It was gone and it was all my fault. I stood up and began to follow the thief but he was on a bike and didn't slow down once he had what he intended to take from me. Shock rolled over me and I had no idea what to do about it. The woman sitting next to me didn't know what to do either. I looked around to see what could be done but there was simply nothing. It was gone. I thought about calling the police, but with what phone, right? 


I slowly walked back to the bus stop and the woman said very compassionately "Well...think of it this way, at least it wasn't your wallet or worse..." I agreed and thanked God for His protection of any other belongings and for protecting the people standing around me. There was a man standing on the curb and he also said that I was lucky to only lose that. He mentioned that this kid was standing near the bus stop and then circled around and grabbed the phone from me. I couldn't even remember seeing anyone else there, but I was thankful that he had witnessed more of the event than I did. I began to tear up because, for the first time in my entire life, I had something stolen from me. Not just taken from my purse for lack of attention or from me leaving something behind, but it was literally taken from my own hands as if I were holding it out and offering it to the next person on a bike. I felt violated and angry. I was angry at this kid but also myself because I knew I shouldn't have held it out in the open around here and yet I just had to take pictures. I prayed a quick prayer that God would bring justice to the situation and give me peace because there was nothing I could do to make it alright. Only God could make things right and allow me to move on. 


But wait...the story isn't over here. Oh no. After what felt like an hour (but in reality was maybe 2 minutes) a man on a bike rode up to the bus stop where myself, the lady, and gentleman were still patiently waiting for our bus. He just stopped and didn't say a word. The woman asked loudly "Is this the guy who took your phone!?!?" Confused I looked at his jacket and I knew it wasn't him because the thief wore a black jacket and cap. Yet he kept standing around and looking at the three of us. He said something in Spanish and thankfully the man next to me understood but didn't really explain what he was saying to me. They shook their heads and seemed to understand each other but didn't clue me into the conversation. 


Just then, the man in the green jacket on the bike, pulled out my iPhone from his pocket and handed it over to me. I quickly took it back and safely placed it in my bag. I then quickly and firmly asked "Did you steal this?" (why he would return after stealing it was beyond my comprehension at this point). He didn't really answer yes or no, so I thought he did. I then asked "WHY did you steal my phone?". He then shook his head and said "No...they were trying to sell it". Confused, I asked him again, "So you didn't take my phone?" 


After the language barriers were (somewhat) broken and I understood what had just happened to me, I thanked the man. You see, a kid stole my phone and when I yelled "No!!" the man in the green jacket rode his bike after the kid and brought me back my phone. I realized that God had allowed me to witness a miracle today at the corner of Hoover and Adams Blvd. This man in the green jacket chased after the thief and returned what had been taken from me. I thanked him and began to cry as I realized what had happened. I offered to give this man anything I could, but he graciously declined and rode his bike and left. 


I just want to praise God for His protection and love for His children. What I experienced today was nothing short of a miracle in South LA. I told those around me when the phone was returned that Jesus was to thank for it being returned! I couldn't help but praise Him to strangers because I couldn't doubt that this was God! Jesus...thank you for working through the people around me at the bus stop and returning my phone to me. I praise you and thank you for being a loving God. 


Oh, for funzies...here is the picture I took just before having my phone taken...I will always remember this photo for many reasons : 

Theology of Suffering: Take Heart

[Note: This idea of having a theology of suffering is going to be an on-going part of this blog because it seems to be a major focus of life as well as my time with Servant partners and my walk with Jesus.]

Suffering. Nobody likes it, but as Christians we are told by Jesus himself that we are to expect it:

"12 But before all this, they will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. ¹³This will result in your being witnesses to them. ¹⁴But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. ¹⁵For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. ¹⁶You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. ¹⁷All men will hate you because of me. ¹⁸But not a hair of your head will perish. ¹⁹By standing firm you will gain life." Luke 21:12-19

None of these words sound pleasing and yet the disciples (eventually) come to realize that it's worth it. Jesus is worth the suffering they endure and the persecutions they face. We may ask ourselves "What about Jesus makes this suffering worth it?"[Before you continue reading, let me say that I don't mean imply Jesus isn't the Savior and all wonderful, but if I'm being honest I have to include that I had asked myself this question.] And you know...after months (about 5 to be exact) I think I'm beginning to formulate/receive an answer. The only way that you will be willing to suffer for Jesus' name is if you know, deep in your heart, that Jesus loves you and suffered for you. He didn't suffer so we'd feel guilty or so he could prove He was so much better than us (even though that's true). He suffered because his love for us is so intense and powerful that He could do nothing less but to die for you, me, your parents, my brother, your roommates, my co-workers, each of us! We each need to know the love of Christ in our lives before we know that no matter what this world throws our way, we have the love of Jesus to get us through. And that love is powerful, powerful enough to raise Jesus from the dead. Powerful enough to break our cycles of sin, break your addiction to drugs, sex, books, or television.

I still struggle with the knowledge that Jesus loves me personally and intimately. God has seen me struggle with this love since my sophomore year of college and thankfully He has truly brought me through times of darkness and doubt to know in my heart that He sees me and loves me abundantly. Through a vision He gave me at church, Jesus showed me that He weeps when I weep, He is angry when someone hurts me, and He longs to be near me. Jesus, thank you for being patient with me and longing to be near me. Thank you for loving me. I pray that each of you reading this know that Jesus weeps when you weep and longs to be near you as well.

To wrap up this first part of my "Theology of Suffering" I wanted to leave you with a song lyric. This is from Bryan Duncan, a Christian singer that my family has listened to for many years. The song is called " Take Heart" and it's about God's love and the safety we have to run to Him in times of fear or doubt.

There's a voice
Only a soul can hear
In a cleansing rain
Falling soft and clear
Come to your troubled waters edge
Step in and you'll find me there
You'll find me there

Take heart
And I'll take your hand,
Be still and be strong,
We will reach the promise land
Take heart
God knows where we are
He won't let us down
He's brought us too far
Take heart